Conflict: Understanding It’s Impact on Ourselves and Others
What is conflict?
Conflict is a part of life and sometimes it can be a tough thing to navigate. Everyone handles it differently which can affect how you respond to different people. Conflict is an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles. Conflict can arise in many different situations because whenever two or more people come together there is bound to be some conflicting opinions. Every difference of opinion causes conflict however, it is not always ‘negative’ conflict. Negative conflict is when a more negative emotional or physical reaction occurs such as screaming or breaking an object, it is not limited to these things but they can be a common reaction for people who struggle to handle conflict in a constructive manner.
People often have different ideas about what conflict is and they don’t realise that there are both positive and negative forms of conflict. Positive conflict or healthy conflict is constructive, respectful and both parties approach it with an open mind. People in this situation tend to focus on the issue and how it can be resolved focusing on growth not personal attacks. On the other hand, negative conflict tends to involve yelling, placing blame and withdrawal. This is a lose-lose situation because it creates a toxic environment and damages relationships. Even if there is one person who knows how to positively handle conflict, but the other person handles it more negatively it can cause the person with a negative outlook to shut down, escalate or avoid the situation. There is generally nothing the other person can do for them because they haven’t learnt how to positively deal with conflict, so they generally consider it an attack when someone tries to handle conflict in a way they are not used to.
There is also what is known as interpersonal conflict and intrapersonal conflict. Interpersonal conflict is between different people while intrapersonal conflict is an internal conflict. Within both forms of conflict there is the positive and negative conflict. Some people can deal with interpersonal conflict positively but then struggle with intrapersonal conflict and vice versa. Identifying what kind of conflict, you are experiencing helps to guide the way to finding the appropriate strategy for coping with the conflict, intrapersonal conflicts are psychological and spiritual, while interpersonal conflicts are rooted in communication and interaction.
Can conflict or a grudge be healthy?
Many people believe that holding a grudge is negative or unhealthy, but it can be quite the opposite. When you hold a grudge it allows you to process your situation, the pain that it caused and your feelings about what occurred and the potential people involved. If you don’t hold a ‘grudge’ and forgive someone before you are ready you may still have unresolved pain, which can make it hard for you to process your pain and emotions. This can lead to resentment toward whoever is involved or towards yourself for not ‘forgiving’ them properly, this can turn into intrapersonal conflict. In some cases it is harder to deal with intrapersonal conflict because you have to process your pain and forgive yourself which can be a difficult thing to do. To help work through conflict, consider these steps:
1. Acknowledge the Conflict
The first step is to recognize that a conflict exists. This involves acknowledging the opposing viewpoints and the emotional tension that may be present. Ignoring conflict rarely makes it go away; instead, it often allows resentment to fester.
2. Identify the Core Issue
Once acknowledged, try to pinpoint the exact nature of the disagreement. Is it about facts, values, goals, or methods? Understanding the root cause helps in finding a relevant solution. Sometimes, what appears to be the problem is just a symptom of a deeper issue.
3. Listen Actively
Give each party an opportunity to express their perspective without interruption. Active listening means not just hearing the words, but also understanding the emotions and underlying concerns. Practice empathy and try to see the situation from the other person's point of view.
4. Express Your Perspective Calmly
When it's your turn to speak, communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings (e.g., "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You always make me frustrated."). Avoid blaming or making personal attacks.
5. Brainstorm Solutions Together
Once everyone has had a chance to speak and feel heard, shift the focus to finding a resolution. Work collaboratively to brainstorm potential solutions that address the concerns of all parties involved. Encourage creative thinking and a willingness to compromise.
6. Evaluate and Choose a Solution
Discuss the pros and cons of each proposed solution. Consider what is fair, practical, and sustainable for everyone. The goal is to reach a mutually agreeable outcome, even if it means some compromise from each side.
7. Implement and Follow Through
Once a solution is chosen, commit to putting it into action. This may involve specific tasks or changes in behavior. Regularly check in to ensure the solution is working and make adjustments if necessary.
8. Learn from the Experience
Every conflict offers an opportunity for growth. After the conflict is resolved, reflect on what happened, what was learned, and how future conflicts might be handled more effectively. This self-reflection can improve your conflict resolution skills over time.
“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”
Lao Tzu